Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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