that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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