I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
