Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
