i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
