i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I need to calm my uterus...
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
