so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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