Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
