i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
