hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
