beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
