Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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