I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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