stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
