I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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