I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
