she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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