You're my little dorito
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
