I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
