so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
no you cant smoke seaweed
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
