woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
