I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
