There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
