Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
