I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
