i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
