Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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