alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
