Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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