holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
