Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
