i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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