I'm jealous of your bromance
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
