I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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