I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
