Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
