does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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