3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I wish I could teleport
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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