I wish I could teleport
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
