I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You pole danced in your parka.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
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