sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You smell like a Billy Joel song
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My vagina is very pro this idea
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
