she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
