and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
