So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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