So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
