I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
