I need to stop coming to work sober
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
