there's paper in my vomit.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
