census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
