So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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