Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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