My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
